Must write this down or I shall surely go mad

So here I am, all pulled-together and functional yet again, and barely hanging in there for another day.  I have truly spent the last few years in hell, going though horrific medical crisis and insurance nightmares and delayed surgeries, and a wound in my abdomen as large as a canteloupe. that kept on infecting and not healing needing skin grafts, stem cell therapy for months and even now is a rigid screaming horrorshow tight bundle of scar tissue knotted from my pelvis throu clear to my backside. 

I have found ways to cope, way to fight thru unimaginable unfathomable endless unyielding physical pain as well as torment true memories of  physically having to dress my own internal wound with my own hands in my own abdomen.  Somehow, SOMEHOW I am still here, sentient, self-loving and mostly functional most days taking care of my high-functioning autistic 12 and 14 yr old kids, each with their own struggles conflicts, loneliness traumas and crisis after crisis.

Today was a bad day, last nerve blocks staring to wear off, fell in the dark in the bedroom landing on barely healed broken knees 2 days ago, and something MIGHT have tore inside.  it's been hurting a lot.  I somehow braved myself to ask my stilll-husband for assistance because, well, I have NO ONE ELSE.  I asked him to observe and help me navigate a few personal hygiene issues which I will not describe that left me in physical sobbing pain so bad I barely breathed raggedly through my fist in my mouth.

As he helped me he seemed compassionate almost as if we hadn't been barely speaking for the last few months barely keeping this dead marriage together for our kids sake and financial misfortune that would otherwise leave us all homeless. We had a good weekend, a good last week, even laughed together for the first time in my months felt like maybe we had turned a corner to a better time all together.   and then I was trying to recover on the bed after this grueling physical necessary embarassing and private hygiene issue and get dressed so we could open the door and join our kids, I somehow did not dress fcast enough so he stood there at the door hand on the knob getting more and more impatient.  Still sobbing I was barely slipping my clothes on and he snapped at me and I lost it and said where is your compassion? he said something like I helped you didn't I and a look as cold as ice at me staring me down as I could just say I was in pain, needing a hug, a touch, a word, ANYTHING, and nothing came from him, I said have you NOTHING for ME?  and he stared.

I fixed what I could as he stood angrily impatiently waiting at the door.  so I told him how vulnerable sobbing and alone I felt and that I felt violated.  he said something about I was attacking him, made it all about his personal feelings instead of even imagining what I was going thu.  Somehow my horrorshow of need was still all about him.  I spent the next 2 hours sobbing in a state of panic shock fugue state of just wishing I was dead but knowing if I was my kids would have no one when my daughter came in and lovingly, slowly talked me though and in a mindboggling brilliant empathetic union of words and shared love she said, mommy don't leave me here, come back to me, come back to me and talked me out of my private nightmare. 

She was the nurse, more of a human being and kind soul at 12, than that 52 yr old creature of a man who looked like someone I once loved, someone who stood in front of friends and judge and loved ones saying he would love and comfort me and now is a shell of a cruel man, his own daughter is grief-stricken from his torments and often calls him monster daddy, but she still needs him and seeks him out.  She told me tonight of some of her nightmare terrors, she has night terrors and dreams Clive Barker at his best could not concoct.  She and my son are stronger and more evolved at their tender age than the man their father who ought to be an adult yet refuses to look past selfish needs and his own feelings and attention-seeking narcissist behaviors.

I am physically and emotionally bereft tonight but still somehow here, with my somehow brilliant strong beautiful kind compassionate AUTISTIC children all of us hanging in there and I am trying not to think of what it means that Betsy DeVos has stripped the schools and intends to pretty much do away with ALL the resources at school that have enabled my brilliant special needs kids to function as they do, that TRUMP and Mitch McConnell are trying to do away with protection for disabilities and pre-existing conditions such that in a mere matter of weeks or hopefully longer months me and my dear children will struggle for medications to survive when our insurance companies can and will drop us for well utilising the very insurance we have paid for.  Knowing THAT CHILDREN IN CAGES MAY NEVER SEE THEIR PARENTS AGAIN  and may have been bought and sold by the DeVos family adoption ring of human trafficking horrorshow and that my still beloved to and by me father and brother have been complicit and supportive of the smegma syphilitic nightmare  ORANGE haired maniac traitor who has singlehandedly driven our country to the brink of civil war, racist misogynist driving walls betwixt families and races in a sick insane mindnumbing neverending grab for power and money and me-first white nationalism so much I may throw up.  and yet here I am breathe breathe breathe STILL HERE!!!! resisting insisting and NEVER giving into despair. 

LOVE will conquer and HOPE may yet find a way for us all but for the lost souls of Sandy Hook/Parkland gun-violence suicides this week and for the potential devastation and personal pain my family is enduring and will surely endure today tomorrow next week next year til 2020 and beyond at the hands of those who swore to love us and protect us and stand for tose of us in pain and struggling I just want to say ENOUGH!!!! 

To the godless amoral GOP TRUMP administration I say You will not win will not break me or mine, we will bend not break, we will stand tall survive and yet thrive someday for we LOVE.  and we care and we have compassion.  So I just want to say to those that lack himanity tonight and choose personal pleasure profit success or benefit over the greater needs of humanity and civil right, for those causing pain tonight and this moment on our planet our country and in my own family and home and to me and to my loved ones--to those sick souls I say may you rot in hell and fester and may all your works turn to ash in the wind for the pain you have selfishly caused.  F-off Kiss my backside and I shall turn my back on your cruelty and survive another day.  Tonight I am LOVE and will be loved.

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