I am Colleen, I am Minx,
I am committed to breaking the silence
Courage is Contagious PASS It ON!
I am Colleen, I am Minx,
I am wife, mother
sister, daughter
I am love lights and poetry, ice and fire,
I am heat and pain and anger sometimes, and hurt and fear and worry.
My life has been a crazy rollercoaster of events, of chaos and struggle, of pain and medical issues, or violence and triumph and also of joy and creation and LOVE,
my pain matters, my life matters
and my joy matters.
I am bi-polar and have struggled
with mental issues all my life.
sometimes I actively wanted to die--to not be here anymore, to not hurt anymore, I would would act on it, hurt myself, sometimes cut myself, or cut my hair, bite the inside of my mouth, then my lip, sometimes my arm.. scratch, pick, or cut to feel the pain and somehow push the emotional pain farther away as I disassociated physically and mentally from the physical pains and torments.
sometimes it was more passive, don't eat at all, eat too much, eat things I knew were bad for me, when I was drinking I didn't want to care, didn't want to feel. I want to just not HURT any more, but you cannot make the hurt go away, it always comes back and it gets in your face and you want to
S
C
R
E
A
M
throw
YELL!!!!!
bite
fight
write
anything to make it right
but nothing's right,
not any night,
not ever
until you can slowly
one inch at a time
start learning
It is okay to FEEL bad
to feel sad
to feel anything and EVERYthing
in the tiniest ways possible first, just what you can stand for
that second,
more and more,
and when it's good
and there are good days and bright smiles and happier moments
take them them GRAB THEM
FEEL them
make them real
let yourself heal and SHARE them with yourself
over and over, mark them down, record them and relive them, and repeat, reproduce them for any and every one you can!!!
Then try to tell people what works for you, maybe it will work for them, it's okay if it doesn't
or they are afraid to try it too
or they want and need
to find their own way
EVERY body does
It's okay to just not move or react sometimes. Do whatever you know you need to do for yourself to keep existing and make it through
because these
awful
ugly
moments
are just that
....................MOMENTS........................
a single snapshot in a million myriads of snapshots each one with the potential to be beautiful and wonderful and sweet and juicy and loving
be that for other people.
I wanted to die so many times, all thru my life. I was bullied, abused and hurt physically and emotionally, and sexually. I was told I was nothing and garbage and a lump on a log as kids spit on me in grade school, junior high, high school, college, even as an adult,even as a 40+ 50+ yr old woman. People have made fun of my weight, my face, my breasts, and body, my creations, my artwork, my songs, my dreams.
I had dead frogs put in my locker and my gym clothes soiled,I have had teachers uplift me and mentor me and other teachers deride me. I have been beat up, verbally abused, I have been raped, I have been laughed at and mocked, I have been dismissed and minimized by people I care most about and trust most sometimes. I have tried to teach others how to love and be loved, how to be kind and give kindness.
I have had all my outpoured love taken for granted sometimes and told it was nothing. It won't and cannot lessen me. I won't be any less loving because others do not reciprocate or notice. I will not let one person's cruelty lessen my strength and my journey to be the best and brightest star I can for myself. to love myself and share my joy and love and kindness with others.
Most of all I want to just stand here and say this is me, accept me, understand me, like me maybe, love me, but SEE me!!! see my pain, it is real. When you see someone in pain you can look away or you can help them, say WHAT is it what thing is there that may help you even a tiny bit, and if nothing, then at least just know I am here and I witness your pain and embrace the fact you are here and alive and living thru this struggle.
life is
messy juicy sweet and bitter
poignant and spicy and unforgiving
even as it electrifies you
with its beauty and potential for joy
You are stronger and brighter for just enduring what you go thru! we all are, we each deserve love and hope. and forgiveness, and understanding.
now here I am living loving and sometimes THRIVING
I see my kids hurting and struggling and I can only do what I hope makes their life better for that moment, show them my strength, show them they can thrive,
survive,
improve & change, evolve & sometimes JUST BREATHE.
Courage is contagious if you let it be, and so is love and joy.
BE HAPPY
Be yourself
be who you need to be
PASS It ON